Six Weeks’ Paid Leave Opposed By People With Thirty-Three Weeks’ Paid Leave

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—President Obama’s proposal to give workers six weeks of paid leave is meeting strong opposition from a group of people who annually receive thirty-three weeks of paid leave.

Members of the group heard the President’s proposal on Tuesday night, one of the few nights of the year when they are required to report to their workplace.

The opponents of paid leave, who show up for work a hundred and thirty-seven days per year and receive paid leave for the other two hundred and twenty-eight, were baffled by other moments in the President’s speech.

For example, they were confused by Obama’s challenge to try to survive on a full-time job that pays fifteen thousand dollars, since they all currently hold a part-time job that pays a hundred and seventy-four thousand dollars.

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Used Tool Purchased for $1.8 Million

NEW YORK (The Borowitz Report)—A used tool that has been on the market for several months was purchased on Tuesday for the whopping price of $1.8 million.

While it may not have set a new record, the sale price raised eyebrows, with many observers noting that $1.8 million was a lot to pay for this particular tool.

But others defended the purchase, arguing that the tool had been successfully bought and sold many times in the past.

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Supreme Court Calls Lying by Politicians an Expression of Their Religion

April 22, 2014

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In a landmark decision, the Supreme Court of the United States declared on Tuesday that lying by politicians is protected by the First Amendment because it is an expression of their religion.

By a 5–4 majority, the Court struck down an Ohio law that would make it harder to lie in political ads, arguing instead that “any attempt to restrict or punish lying by politicians is an unconstitutional infringement on a religion they have practiced for decades.”

The Court’s decision won praise from politicians of both parties, with many saying that the Justices’ recognition of lying as a religion was “long overdue.”

Writing for the majority, Chief Justice John Roberts argued, “For politicians, lying is a religious observance akin to attending a church or a synagogue, except that they do it seven days a week.”

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U.S. Seemingly Unaware of Irony in Accusing Snowden of Spying - The Borowitz Report.

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—The United States government charged former intelligence analyst Edward Snowden with spying on Friday, apparently unaware that in doing so it had created a situation dripping with irony.

At a press conference to discuss the accusations, an N.S.A. spokesman surprised observers by announcing the spying charges against Mr. Snowden with a totally straight face.
“These charges send a clear message,” the spokesman said. “In the United States, you can’t spy on people.”

Seemingly not kidding, the spokesman went on to discuss another charge against Mr. Snowden—the theft of government documents: “The American people have the right to assume that their private documents will remain private and won’t be collected by someone in the government for his own purposes.”

“Only by bringing Mr. Snowden to justice can we safeguard the most precious of American rights: privacy,” added the spokesman, apparently serious.

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Courageous Senators Stand Up to American People

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In the halls of the United States Senate, dozens of Senators congratulated themselves today for having what one of them called “the courage and grit to stand up to the overwhelming wishes of the American people.”

“We kept hearing, again and again, that ninety per cent of the American people wanted us to vote a certain way,” said Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-Kentucky). “Well, at the end of the day, we decided that we weren’t going to cave in to that kind of special-interest group.”

“It was a gut check, for sure, but we had to draw a line in the sand,” agreed Senator Lindsey Graham (R-S. Carolina). “If we had voted the way the American people wanted us to, it would have sent the message that we’re here in Washington to be nothing more than their elected representatives.”

Calling yesterday’s Senate action “a bipartisan effort,” Senator Mark Pryor (D-Arkansas) said, “This proves that on a matter that affects the safety of every man, woman, and child in the nation, we can reach across the aisle to defy the interests of all of them.”

Senator McConnell agreed that yesterday’s vote “sent a powerful message,” adding, “If the American people think that just because they voted us into office and pay our salaries, benefits, and pensions, we are somehow obliged to listen to them, they are sorely mistaken.”

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House Science Committee Questions Existence of Meteors - Borowitz report.

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—The chairman of the House Committee on Science, Space, and Technology said today that the committee would hold hearings next week “to settle the question, once and for all, of whether meteors exist.”

“The media has been in something of a frenzy recently on this whole topic of meteors,” said chairman Lamar Smith (R-Texas). “I think it’s irresponsible of them to frighten the public about something that, at the end of the day, may be about as real as unicorns.”

Rep. Smith said that he had seen recent reports of the “so-called Russian meteor” of last week, but added, “Maybe it’s the scientific skeptic in me, but this ‘meteor’ may just have been a bunch of fireworks that some Siberian fellow set off after drinking a little too much Stoli. It is winter, after all, and that’s how those folks keep warm.”

The Texas congressman said that he and other meteor doubters are worried that scientists had “a vested interest” in convincing people that meteors are real: “They want the government to spend more money on science, and, let me tell you, that is the last thing the Science Committee is going to do.”

As for the scientific theory that meteors may have killed the dinosaurs, Rep. Smith chuckled, “That theory would also have us believe that there were dinosaurs.”

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The Borowitz Report - A Letter from Kim Jong-un

PYONGYANG (The Borowitz Report)—

Kim Jong-un, Supreme Leader of the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea, has issued the following letter to the citizens of the world:

Dear World People: 

For decades, North Korea was threatened by hostile foes with nuclear weapons. With our safety constantly at risk from violent intruders, we asked: How can we possibly defend ourselves? In the immortal words of my Dad, the glorious Kim Jong-il: “The only thing that stops a bad guy with a nuke is a good guy with a nuke.”

I sleep safely at night knowing that a loaded nuclear silo is as close as the launch button on my nightstand. And now I understand what Dad, in his genius, instinctively knew: that the world will not be truly safe until every nation has nuclear weapons.

Perhaps because these weapons are so necessary to our defense, the U.S. government, with its lapdogs at the United Nations, is plotting to take them away from us. But as Dad used to say, “When they come for our nukes….”

That is why today I am founding the Nuclear Retaliation Association to defend the sovereign right of every nation on the planet to engulf that planet in a hellish inferno. If you join today, we will waive the initiation fee and send you this bumper sticker: “Nuclear weapons don’t kill people. People kill people who don’t have nuclear weapons.”

Peace out,

Kim Jong-un

Read more: http://www.newyorker.com/online/blogs/borowitzreport/2013/02/a-letter-from-kim-jong-un.html#ixzz2KokKjCHI

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The Borowitz report - U.S. Cancels Regular Drone Strikes on Saturdays

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Citing budgetary concerns, the United States announced today that it would discontinue regular Saturday drone strikes on U.S. citizens, beginning in 2014.
In announcing the decision, the White House spokesman Jay Carney acknowledged that the cutback in drone service was “bound to be controversial.” “In the United States, we’ve always prided ourselves on our ability to target our citizens with drone strikes, Monday through Saturday, regardless of the weather,” he said. “We know that losing Saturday drone service is going to take some getting used to.”

But the move to cutback in drone service drew sharp criticism from a longtime defender of the program, the former Vice-President Dick Cheney. “Like most Americans, I thought I’d never see the day when drones just up and take Saturdays off,” he said. “This would never be happening if I were still President.”
As if to silence critics, Mr. Carney assured reporters that drones could “still get the job done” Monday through Friday, and reminded U.S. citizens to update the government on any change of address so the drones would know where to reach them.

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N.R.A. Defends Right to Own Politicians -The Borowitz Report.

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In testimony before the Senate Judiciary Committee today, National Rifle Association C.E.O. Wayne LaPierre warned that the N.R.A. would vigorously oppose any legislation that “limits the sale, purchase, or ownership of politicians.” 

“Politicians pose no danger to the public if used correctly,” said Mr. LaPierre, who claims to have over two hundred politicians in his personal collection. “Everyone hears about the bad guys in Congress. Well, the only thing that stops a bad guy with a vote is a good guy with a vote. I’m proud to be the owner of many of those guys.” 

Mr. LaPierre’s comments drew a sharp rebuke from Carol Foyler, a politician-control advocate who has spent the past twelve years lobbying for stricter limits on the sale of politicians. 

“Right now, a man like Wayne LaPierre can walk right into Congress and buy any politician he wants,” she said. “There’s no background check, no waiting period. And so hundreds of politicians are falling into the hands of people who are unstable and, quite frankly, dangerous.” 

In addition to limiting the sale of politicians, Ms. Foyler said, it is time for society to take a look at the “sheer number” of politicians in the U.S.: “There’s no doubt that we would be safer if there were fewer of them.” 

For his part, the N.R.A. leader ended his testimony by serving notice that he would “resist any attempt” to take away the hundreds of elected officials he says are legally his. 

As if to illustrate that point, he clutched Sen. Chuck Grassley (R-Iowa) close to his chest and bellowed, “From my cold, dead hands.” 

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Obamas Return to White House as Romneys Return to 1954 - The Borowitz report

Click on photo for the article

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The latest gems from Andy Borowitz.

Money from the sky!

The Republican Party's official closing argument to the American people.

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Andy Borowitz Calls the Winner of the 2012 Election

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Canada Tightens Border - The Borowitz Report

The New Yorker
Online Only
 

October 9, 2012

OTTAWA (The Borowitz Report)—Canada announced today that it was tightening security along its border with the United States amid concerns that there could be a mass migration of illegal Americans after Tuesday, November 6th.

According to Randolph McTavish, Deputy Commissioner of the Royal Canadian Mounted Police, border patrols are on alert due to an “increase in chatter” indicating that a threat to Canada’s border might be imminent.

“We’ve been intercepting troubling comments from some very freaked-out people,” he said. “Most of it has been on NPR call-in shows.”

Stating that the R.C.M.P. is patrolling every kilometre of the Canadian border, he issued this warning to Americans who might try to cross into Canada illegally: “If you drive a Prius, you will be stopped.”

He also warned Americans against trying to slip across the border in the hopes of passing as Canadians: “It is very difficult, if not impossible, to pretend to like hockey.”

Mr. McTavish said that he was sympathetic with those who might flee across the border in search of a new life and socialized medicine, but added, “At the end of the day, forty-seven per cent of Americans is more than Canada can handle.”

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Apple Says New iPhone 5 Feature Gives Life Meaning

SAN FRANCISCO (The Borowitz Report)

Apple rocked the gadget world today with the news that the iPhone 5 includes a new feature that gives shape and purpose to previously empty and meaningless lives. 

As Apple explained at its launch of the device, the new feature is an improved version of its personal assistant, Siri, that has been endowed with a quality missing from the previous model: empathy. 

In a demonstration before a hushed crowd of Apple enthusiasts, an app developer named Josh asked the new Siri, “Why didn’t my parents love me?”

Siri’s response, “Your parents were too self-absorbed and narcissistic to recognize your essential beauty and value as a human being,” brought many in the Yerba Buena Center audience close to tears.

Apple C.E.O. Tim Cook closed out the launch with perhaps his boldest claim to date about the company’s new phone: “We believe that the iPhone 5 will make your current relationship obsolete.” 

Wall Street rallied on the news, with tech analysts expecting millions of Apple customers to purchase an iPhone 5 to replace their existing boyfriend, girlfriend, or spouse. 

But in the words of Apple devotee Tracy Klugian, who was present at today’s launch, such expectations are overdone: “Most Apple snobs I know started putting their Apple products before their relationships a long time ago.”

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Republicans Move Convention to Seventeenth Century

The New Yorker Online Only

The Borowitz Report

August 22, 2012
Republicans Move Convention to Seventeenth Century
Posted by Andy Borowitz

TAMPA (The Borowitz Report)—With the threat of Hurricane Isaac hitting Florida next week, the Republican National Committee took the extraordinary step today of moving their 2012 National Convention to the seventeenth century.

While the decision to send the convention four centuries back in time raised eyebrows among some political observers, R.N.C. spokesperson Harland Dorrinson downplayed the unusual nature of the move.

“After exploring a number of options, we decided that moving to the seventeenth century would cause the least disruption,” he said. “We’re not going to have to change a thing.”

Mr. Dorrinson added that despite recent controversy involving the U.S. Senate candidate Representative Todd Akin (R., Miss.), there would be no modification of the Party’s official platform: “After we ban abortion in cases of rape and incest, we’re going to focus on America’s spiralling witch problem.”

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A Letter from Bank of America - The Borowitz report

November 2, 2011

 

NEW YORK (The Borowitz Report) – The following letter was sent today by Bank of America to all of its debit card customers:

Dear Valued Customer:

As most of you probably know by now, last month we instituted a $5 monthly fee for all of our debit card users. To say that what followed this decision was a shitstorm would be a massive understatement.

Considering that just three years earlier taxpayers had bailed us out with billions of their hard-earned dollars, it’s understandable that Bank of America was compared to a person who, as he is pulled from a burning building, turns and kicks the fireman in the nuts.

That’s why we are writing to you today with a simple message: “Our bad.” And to tell you that we are refunding the $5 to you, effective immediately. All you have to do is pay a simple, one-time $10 refund fee.

You can receive your refund online, or pick it up at your nearest Bank of America branch, where a teller will hand the money directly to you for a simple, one-time $15 handling fee.

If you do visit your branch, feel free to use any of our services, including our state of the art ballpoint pens and deposit slips. (Prices on request.)

Again, accept our apologies for instituting the debit card fee. We have learned our lesson, and we make this solemn promise: next time we squeeze money from you, we'll do it in a way you won’t notice.

Sincerely,

Bank of America

 

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Libyan Government Warns NYPD to Exercise Restraint

TRIPOLI (The Borowitz Report) – As arrests mounted in the Occupy Wall Street protest in New York City, Libya’s National Transitional Council (NTC) issued a stern statement today warning the NYPD to exercise restraint.

“The Libyan transitional government regards any attempt to infringe upon the American protesters’ right to express themselves as a violation of international standards of free speech and liberty,” the Libyan statement read. “We will not sit idly by and watch this happen.”

Libyan government officials also hinted that if the arrests continue, it would consider forming a NATO coalition “to ensure the safety and security of the American people.”

While it did not state it as an explicit goal, insiders believe that if the arrests continue Libya may seek the ouster of New York City mayor Michael Bloomberg, whose whereabouts remain unknown.

Perhaps in response to the Libyan statement, the U.S. State Department today responded with a statement of its own: “The United States is one hundred percent opposed to the suppression of popular uprisings as long as they aren’t happening here.”

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The Borowitz Report - Banks Raise Fees

Banks Raise Fees on Same People Who Bailed Out Their Asses, Introduce New ‘Thank You’ Fee on Debit Cards

NEW YORK (The Borowitz Report) – The largest banks in the US made history today by hiking fees on the same people who bailed out their asses three years ago.

“We would not exist today without the generosity of the American taxpayers,” said CEO Brian Moynihan of Bank of America, which received billions of dollars of Federal bailout money. “And we want to thank them by assessing a special monthly ‘thank you’ fee on all of our debit cards.”

Becoming emotional, Mr. Moynihan added, “We think of the taxpayers every time we vacation on our yachts or visit our third homes, and we want them to think of us every time they try to spend $20 on groceries.”

Mr. Moynihan said that even after paying the new $5 monthly fee, "American taxpayers should still have enough money left over to let them eat cake."

In other news, CNN announced today that it plans to start covering the mass protests on Wall Street in lower Manhattan “as soon as the Michael Jackson trial is over.”

And Republican presidential candidate Rick Perry today blasted President Obama’s decision to kill a terrorist in Yemen: “There are plenty of perfectly good people to execute right here in America.”

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Labor Day Ruined as America Fails to Find Working Man to Honor -

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report) – A dark pall was cast over Labor Day 2011 as efforts to find a working man to honor came up empty.

A nationwide manhunt that began weeks ago in the hopes of locating a working man in time for Labor Day was called off early this morning, as frustrated officials acknowledged that their efforts to find such an employed person were fruitless.

Hopes were raised late yesterday afternoon when Tracy Klugian, 27, of Evanston, Illinois came forward and said that he was gainfully employed at a frozen yogurt establishment and was thus deserving of Labor Day recognition.

But after several hours of grilling from local law enforcement, “his story just didn’t check out,” said one official familiar with the case.

“For one thing, he said he got his job in August, and as the recent job report shows, the number of people who did that was zero,” the official said. “Sadly, this is just a sick individual who wanted attention.”

With all hopes of locating a working man dashed, officials said it might be time to change the official meaning of Labor Day to make it more in sync with the realities of contemporary American life.

“Maybe instead of honoring the working man we could honor people who spend all day on Facebook,” one official said.

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Labor Day Officially Moved to China - First U.S. Holiday to be Outsourced

September 2, 2011

BEIJING (The Borowitz Report) – Labor Day, one of America’s most beloved and longest-celebrated holidays, has been officially moved to China, U.S. officials confirmed today.

The Labor Day celebrations are expected to kick off Monday afternoon in Beijing with a barbeque attended by over seven million people and presided over by former NBA star Yao Ming.

The transfer of Labor Day to China represents the first time in American history that an entire holiday has been outsourced, experts said.

“It may be just as well,” said the University of Minnesota’s Davis Logsdon, who has lectured extensively on Labor Day traditions. “It’s been getting harder and harder for Americans to remember what labor is.”

Tracy Klugian, 37 said he was sorry to see his annual Labor Day barbeque relocated from his home in Medina, Ohio to Beijing, but is taking the loss in stride.

“I used to really look forward to Labor Day,” he said. “But to be honest, getting a day off isn’t as special as it used to be.”

While Mr. Klugian said it was “a little strange” for Labor Day barbecues to occur in China with no participation by Americans, he added, “Maybe someday we’ll be able to make illegal fireworks for them.”

Meanwhile, U.S. officials said it was looking "more and A" that Thanksgiving would be relocated this year to India.

“At the very least, Americans will still be able to celebrate Thanksgiving by phone,” one official said. “But they should listen closely because some menu options have changed.

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