Supreme Court Calls Lying by Politicians an Expression of Their Religion

April 22, 2014

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In a landmark decision, the Supreme Court of the United States declared on Tuesday that lying by politicians is protected by the First Amendment because it is an expression of their religion.

By a 5–4 majority, the Court struck down an Ohio law that would make it harder to lie in political ads, arguing instead that “any attempt to restrict or punish lying by politicians is an unconstitutional infringement on a religion they have practiced for decades.”

The Court’s decision won praise from politicians of both parties, with many saying that the Justices’ recognition of lying as a religion was “long overdue.”

Writing for the majority, Chief Justice John Roberts argued, “For politicians, lying is a religious observance akin to attending a church or a synagogue, except that they do it seven days a week.”

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The Emperor’s new clothes - or are we all wet?

      "Many years ago there lived an emperor who loved beautiful new clothes so much that he spent all his money on being finely dressed. His only interest was in going to the theater or in riding about in his carriage where he could show off his new clothes. He had a different costume for every hour of the day. Indeed, where it was said of other kings that they were at court, it could only be said of him that he was in his dressing room!

    One day two swindlers came to the emperor's city. They said that they were weavers, claiming that they knew how to make the finest cloth imaginable. Not only were the colors and the patterns extraordinarily beautiful, but in addition, this material had the amazing property that it was to be invisible to anyone who was incompetent or stupid. (click for more)"

The saga of the Master Water Plan reminds me of this fable. We have been doling out more and more gold and the results are invisible to the naked eye and only our pockets see the difference. Perhaps I am one of the stupid ones who are unable to visualize the virtual clothes of the Emperor.

To summarize the situation: we had a problem of trying to deliver domestic water to domestic customers through irrigation pipes at the same time we were delivering irrigation water to irrigation customers. The result was that we provided cheap irrigation water to domestic users.

After spending $180 million we reversed the process and we are delivering large quantities of expensive domestic water to irrigation customers while we are providing some of the same to domestic customers at a much greater price. Fair trade, I guess.

When it comes to water rates I had options proposed.

Proposal 1: Use property taxation for the infrastructure financing and use true user fees for water consumption. My argument was that this was no different than having the sports field or the fire hall financing method. The house infrastructure (water lines, toilets etc) are connected to this infrastructure and, in fact, they are an important component of one’s home. Once the loan is paid, no more payment.

No way! I was told. It would be a major burden on business and could drive them away.

Proposal 2: If we insist on paying all the bills, including infrastructure costs using water rates, then we should use true user pay. Divide the budget requirement by the volume of water we intend to sell and use the result as the unit cost of water. To ensure everyone pays a fair share to the budget the minimum amount of water we must pay for is, say, 20 cubic meters per quarter or 80 cu. m per year at the previously determined unit rate. The city of Vernon uses this system for sewage payments.

Again, No way! Why not? We would increase business costs tremendously if they had to pay the same unit cost as domestic customers are paying (current rate is $1.50 per cubic meter for non-domestic users). Well, are they not using the same water as we, beleaguered domestic customers are using? Well, yes but we do not want to drive businesses away. Interesting. Do we not pay for the water costs of businesses indirectly when we use their services or buy their products? I guess I am wrong. Taxpayers should subsidize businesses anyway they can. I must be one of the “incompetent stupid ones” who cannot see the wonderful new garment the emperor is wearing. How could I pull the wool over the eyes of my electors who thought I might be worthy of being elected? I wonder!

All jokes aside we have created a monster of a MWP that is way over designed and a money waster. However, we must pay the bills. I am still trying to have the plan reviewed by a competent, independent review group and see if at least we could eliminate treating water for crops. 

In the meantime paying for the cost of water and infrastructure should be done in a fair and equitable way. There were some people on staff who believed that high water users subsidized low users because they contribute more money to the budget. They neglected the fact that high users are the ones who drive the high maximum daily demand and water facilities must be built to a size that would meet those demands.  If the system would be sized for the low users demand it would be a very small system.

The principle is: pay for what you use. If a kilogram of bread cost $5 then 5 kilogram should cost $25, it’s that easy.

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Happy New Year!

Veteran Province Cartoonist Joins Deep Rogue Ram (click)

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Readers write - The story of the Cola Tree!

Greetings,

I’m sending this email to you in order to respond to the many questions I have received regarding events happening at my property. Many of you have been curious about the large white cube vans and other strange activities. In fact, I have been sworn to secrecy for the past month; however the cat is out of the bag since the events here have now hit the international media.

So…to make a long story short, I’ve pasted in one of the news articles – it will tell all – and no doubt you will hear much more in the coming days.

World News Network Report:

Mysterious Cola Tree Discovered in British Columbia

Scientists perplexed as to whether it’s natural evolution or genetically modified.

Sciencewire – June 8, 2011 - By Amar Kasan

VANCOUVER, CANADA - A strange anomaly in a central British Columbia forest is causing a stir in scientific circles across North America today. A scar on what was thought to be a Douglas Fir tree has exposed an unusual red core completely different than what naturally occurs in such a tree.

College student Albert Glass discovered the tree while compiling a spring bird count about 6 miles east of the small hamlet of Lumby which is about 400 miles east of Vancouver.

“It caught the corner of my eye when I had to maneuver around a fallen tree on the trail. I was very surprised and examined it right away. The core beneath the bark is a very bright red, almost metallic in nature with white grainy patterns - it seems very unnatural” stated Glass who immediately notified the landowner.

Don Elzer owns the remote property the tree is on, but said he never noticed it before and was also very surprised.

“There was quite a crowd of neighbors by the time I arrived, some of them saying it must be some sort of genetically modified tree. I scraped some of the sap running down the scar and gave it a taste and it’s very unusual, it tastes like a combination of maple syrup and root beer – nothing like Douglas Fir sap”.

Elzer has nicknamed the tree the “cola tree” and added that earlier reports were wrong, the scar is not recent.

“The bark has been growing around the scar which is like a wound to the tree, so it happened quite some time ago”.

Elzer discounts suggestions that it is a genetically modified tree; he guesses that the tree is over thirty years old.

“I don’t think that sort of modification was happening 30 years ago”, he said.

But Dr. Michael Phipps disagrees.

“In the 1970’s and 80’s there were extensive experiments that introduced genetically modified species into large forests in both Alaska and Washington State, the seeds from those trees may have spread over a larger area by birds or by some other natural event.

Phipps is the head of Forest Research at the University of Southern California – Berkley, and he is both excited and concerned about the discovery.

“If it is a man-made species then it could tell us a story about how dramatically forests can move and expand throughout a region; if it’s natural evolution of a species then the find is extraordinary and represents a big bang event in the eco-system. Either way the Canadian government should move quickly to protect the tree”.

Phipps added that the tree itself may have spread seeds over a vast area by now and there is no telling how it may have impacted the environment.

“I would also suggest that people not taste the sap, or burn the wood there may be toxins that present serious risks – you don’t want to be sucking the syrup out of that tree – at least not yet”.

Phipps is organizing a team of scientists to further examine the tree and should be onsite with a research lab by the end of the week.

So far there has been no response from the British Columbia Ministry of Forests or the Canadian government.

For Albert Glass who discovered the tree, local celebrity status is eminent but he shrugs it off.

“Tomorrow I’ve got birds to count and unlike trees, I know they really move around”.

(30)

Copyright 2011 World News Network

I have taken photos and have posted them on my website.

www.wildcraftforest.com

Thanks so much,

Don Elzer

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Exporting democracy leaves US short!

April 14, 2011

Exporting Democracy Has Led to Shortages of it in U.S.,
Experts Say Wisconsin, Florida Hardest Hit


WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report) – The U.S. policy of exporting democracy abroad has meant that there is very little of it left at home.

That is the grim assessment of a new study commissioned by the University of Minnesota, which predicts that if the U.S. continues to export democracy at its current pace it may completely run out of it at home by the year 2015.

“We have been exporting democracy to Afghanistan and Iraq while there are severe shortages of it in Wisconsin and Florida,” said Professor Davis Logsdon, who supervised the study. “This is madness.”

Citing the study, Speaker of the House John Boehner said today, “It has been clear to me for some time that we must explore alternative forms of government, such as oligarchy or plutocracy.”

Noting that democracy originated in Greece, Mr. Boehner added, “We must reduce our dependence on foreign sources of government.”

The University of Minnesota study contains several proposals, such as outsourcing the U.S. government to the world’s largest democracy, India.

“The work done by Congress could be accomplished much more efficiently by a series of electronic phone prompts,” the study recommends.

But Mr. Boehner warned that eliminating Congress entirely would have disastrous effects: “That would destroy entire sectors of our economy, especially the prostitution industry.”

Speaking from one of the states hardest hit by the democracy shortage, Wisconsin Gov. Scott Walker downplayed the seriousness of the problem, calling democracy “overrated.”

“Teachers may teach our children that democracy is important,” he said, “but the solution is to get rid of the teachers.”

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Readers write -- The older we get...(continued).

I was checking out at the local Walmart with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those 'dividers' that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed.

After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the 'divider', looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it.

Not finding the bar code, she said to me, 'Do you know how much this is?'

I said to her 'I've changed my mind; I don't think I'll buy that today.'

She said 'OK,' and I paid her for the things and left.

She had no clue to what had just happened.

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Readers write -- The older we get...

Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chic ken McNuggets.

I asked for a half dozen nuggets.

'We don't have half dozen nuggets,' said the teenager at the counter.

'You don't?' I replied.

'We only have six, nine, or twelve,' was the reply.

'So I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?'

'That's right.'

So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets

(Unbelievable but sadly true...)

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Humor.

Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years, reunited at a party

After several drinks, one of the men had to use the rest room.

Those who remained talked about their kids.

The first guy said, 'My son is my pride and joy.He started working at a successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied Economics and Business Administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder and now he's the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday.'

The second guy said, 'Darn, that's terrific! My son is also my pride and joy. He started working for a big airline, then went to flight school to become a pilot. Eventually he became a partner in the company, where he owns the major ity of its assets He's so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday.'

The third man said: 'Well, that's terrific! My son studied in the best universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own construction company and is now a multimillionaire.. He also gave away something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday: A 30,000 square foot mansion.'

The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned from the restroom and asked: 'What are all the congratulations for?'

One of the three said: 'We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons. ..What about your son?'

The fourth man replied: 'My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub.'

The three friends said: 'What a shame... what a disappointment.'

The fourth man replied: 'No, I'm not ashamed. He's my son and I love him. And he hasn't done too bad either.. His birthday was two weeks ago, and he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet and a top of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends.'

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Handguns, Condoms, And Jenna Bush: The Week's Best Late Night Jokes (VIDEO)

The lighter side of news.

Handguns, Condoms, And Jenna Bush: The Week's Best Late Night Jokes (VIDEO)

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BP Develops Technology to Convert Lies into Energy

June 15, 2010

‘Totally Renewable Resource,’ Says CEO

LONDON (The Borowitz Report) – In what is being called a game-changer for the embattled oil company, British Petroleum announced today that it has developed a new technology to convert lies into energy.

At a press conference at corporate headquarters in London, BP CEO Tony Hayward said that environmentalists would embrace the new technology “because lies are a totally renewable resource.”

Illustrating the impact of BP’s new technology, Mr. Hayward told reporters, “Over the past month alone, my words could power the city of London for a year.”

But the new technology has its skeptics, including the University of Minnesota’s Davis Logsdon, who warns of the dangers of “lie spills.”

“We have learned from recent BP press conferences that once the lie flow starts, it can be very hard to stop,” he says.

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HST, HST, HST!

He just found out about the HST.

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How bad is the economy?

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