House Science Committee Questions Existence of Meteors - Borowitz report.

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—The chairman of the House Committee on Science, Space, and Technology said today that the committee would hold hearings next week “to settle the question, once and for all, of whether meteors exist.”

“The media has been in something of a frenzy recently on this whole topic of meteors,” said chairman Lamar Smith (R-Texas). “I think it’s irresponsible of them to frighten the public about something that, at the end of the day, may be about as real as unicorns.”

Rep. Smith said that he had seen recent reports of the “so-called Russian meteor” of last week, but added, “Maybe it’s the scientific skeptic in me, but this ‘meteor’ may just have been a bunch of fireworks that some Siberian fellow set off after drinking a little too much Stoli. It is winter, after all, and that’s how those folks keep warm.”

The Texas congressman said that he and other meteor doubters are worried that scientists had “a vested interest” in convincing people that meteors are real: “They want the government to spend more money on science, and, let me tell you, that is the last thing the Science Committee is going to do.”

As for the scientific theory that meteors may have killed the dinosaurs, Rep. Smith chuckled, “That theory would also have us believe that there were dinosaurs.”

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Washington Celebrates Solving Totally Unnecessary Crisis They Created

The New Yorker
Online Only

January 1, 2013

Posted by Andy Borowitz
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Official Washington was in celebration mode on New Year’s Day after kind of averting a completely unnecessary crisis that was entirely of its own creation.

“This deal proves that if we all procrastinate long and hard enough, we can semi-solve any self-inflicted problem at the very last minute in a way that satisfies no one,” said Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-Kentucky).

But even as Sen. McConnell basked in self-congratulation, he warned Congress against the complacency that could come with having sort of fixed its own completely avoidable mess.

“This is a new year, and much work remains to be done,” he said. “It’s up to us to concoct entirely new optional disasters that we will have to undo at some later date in a more or less half-assed way.”

In a related story, an arsonist received an award for putting out his own fire.

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I am so lucky!

I received this fantastic news this morning via email below! Just heading off to Western Union to claim my prize! LOL

"I am notify you of the 300,000.00 Dollars, deposited here in the western union office in your name.Contact this email customercare@westernunionagency.com for claims."

PS: People at Western Union Said it was a hoax. Shocks! Back to being poor! Problem is I maxed out my Master Card in anticipation!
 

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For your scientific edification - here are the real pseudo-scientists.

Visit NBCNews.com for breaking news, world news, and news about the economy

For full-screen click on options and select!

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Oddities in the news - Whom can you trust?

Apparently the same psychics were used to predict the cost of Greater Vernon's Master Water Plan!

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The Borowitz report - A Farewell from Herman Cain

December 2, 2011


My Final Thoughts
 
Dear Friend,


And when I say “friend,” I mean it in the normal way, not “someone I’ve been sleeping with for 13 years.”  Unless, of course, I have been sleeping with you for 13 years.  In that case, I do mean it that way.
It is with a heavy heart that I have decided to end my inspirational quest for the White House.  After much reassessing and reconsidering, I have decided to spend more time being screamed at by my wife.  And by “more time,” I mean 24 hours a day, stopping only for bathroom breaks.
But before I go, let me share with you my final thoughts on my campaign.  After months of crisscrossing this great land of ours and participating in over three hundred televised debates, I am being disqualified because of an extramarital affair.  And that raises the following question: are you fucking kidding me?
I mean, let’s get real.  I never heard of Libya.  I didn’t know whether that CNN dude’s name was Wolf or Blitz.  And my only training for running the #1 nation in the world was running its #8 pizza chain.  Yet none of that, I repeat, none of that disqualified me.  In fact, I was the front-fucking-runner, as long as I kept my 9-9-9 in my pants.  (I have no idea what I meant by that -- I just like saying 9-9-9.)
But here’s the part that really kills me.  You’re kicking me to the curb because I was messing around, and instead you’re going with… Newt Gingrich?  I repeat: are you fucking kidding me?  Oh, I know what you’re saying: you love Newt because he’s an “intellectual.”  Well, Newt Gingrich is the intellectual of the Republican field the way Moe was the intellectual of the Stooges.
And that leads me to my final point: you disgust me, America.  Right now if I had my way, I’d up and move to another country.  I really, truly would.  Only I don’t know where any of them are, and my wife won’t let me leave the house.


Goodbye forever,


Herman

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Readers write: Can you please everyone?

 

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Libyan Government Warns NYPD to Exercise Restraint

TRIPOLI (The Borowitz Report) – As arrests mounted in the Occupy Wall Street protest in New York City, Libya’s National Transitional Council (NTC) issued a stern statement today warning the NYPD to exercise restraint.

“The Libyan transitional government regards any attempt to infringe upon the American protesters’ right to express themselves as a violation of international standards of free speech and liberty,” the Libyan statement read. “We will not sit idly by and watch this happen.”

Libyan government officials also hinted that if the arrests continue, it would consider forming a NATO coalition “to ensure the safety and security of the American people.”

While it did not state it as an explicit goal, insiders believe that if the arrests continue Libya may seek the ouster of New York City mayor Michael Bloomberg, whose whereabouts remain unknown.

Perhaps in response to the Libyan statement, the U.S. State Department today responded with a statement of its own: “The United States is one hundred percent opposed to the suppression of popular uprisings as long as they aren’t happening here.”

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Glenn Beck Moves to Sci Fi Channel -- The Borowitz Report

The Borowitz Report – Landing on his feet just hours after his program was dropped by Fox News Channel, controversial host Glenn Beck announced today that he had just inked a new contract to join the cable network Syfy, formerly known as the Sci Fi Channel.

Speaking at a press conference announcing the move, Mr. Beck told reporters, “The best part of this deal is that I won’t need to change my format at all.”

Mr. Beck said that his program was "a perfect fit" for a schedule of programming packed with aliens, paranoid conspiracy theories and alternative universes.

But the TV host’s enthusiasm was tempered somewhat by Syfy spokesperson Tracy Klugian, who told reporters, “We warned Glenn that if he’s going to be a good fit for Syfy he’s going to have to tone down his act a bit. Some of the stuff he did on Fox is a little too ‘out there’ for us.”

Mr. Beck said that his new deal would run “until 2012 or the end of the world, whichever comes sooner,” and that he would be paid in gold bouillon and ammo.

Meanwhile, Congress reassured the American people that during a government shutdown essential services would still be provided to Libya, Afghanistan and Iraq.

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