WASHINGTON (
The
Borowitz Report) – In an April Fool’s Day announcement that took
the political world by storm, the Republican Party revealed today that its
entire presidential race had been an elaborate prank.
“April Fool!”
exclaimed former Massachusetts Governor Mitt Romney and former Pennsylvania
Senator Rick Santorum at a press conference in Washington, where they were
joined by fellow merrymakers Newt Gingrich, Michele Bachmann, Rick Perry and
Herman Cain.
Moments after revealing that the GOP primary had been one
long practical joke, Mr. Santorum explained the rationale behind staging such a
complicated and expensive prank.
“A lot of Americans are suffering right
now and need a good laugh,” he said. “I think my colleagues and I can be
justifiably proud of the entertainment we provided – even if it meant me wearing
these ridiculous sweater vests.”
Former Godfather’s Pizza CEO Herman Cain
agreed that the prank had gone well, but added, “I’m just amazed that the
American people never figured out we were kidding.”
“I mean, I kept
saying ‘9-9-9’ every four seconds, which was total and utter bullshit,” he
said. “And everything out of Michele’s mouth made her sound like a mental
patient.”
“True that,” Rep. Bachmann agreed.
Texas Governor Rick
Perry said he worried that “every time I screwed up at a debate people would
figure out I was pulling their legs,” but added, “The American people seemed to
accept the idea that a Governor of Texas could be a blithering
idiot.”
When one reporter mentioned that Rep. Ron Paul (R-TX) was not at
the press conference, a sudden silence fell over the gathering.
“Did
anyone ever tell Ron this was supposed to be a prank?” Mr. Romney asked. “Holy
cow, maybe he’s really serious.”
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