WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—The
reanimated corpse of Dr. Jonas Salk, the medical researcher who
developed the first polio vaccine, rose from the grave Friday morning on
what authorities believe is a mission to hunt down idiots.
The
zombie version of Salk, wearing a tattered white lab coat and looking
“incredibly angry” according to one eyewitness, was seen advancing on
the U.S. Capitol building at approximately 11 A.M.
While
Senator Rand Paul, of Kentucky, hid in the Senate cloakroom, armed
security forces repelled the zombie virologist, who, seemingly unharmed,
moved on in search of new prey.
According to law enforcement, the reanimated Salk then stole a car and headed off in the direction of Trenton, New Jersey.
“We
have reason to believe he’s coming for Governor Christie,” said a staff
member from Chris Christie’s office. “Fortunately, the Governor is
never here.”
With both Disneyland and Marin
County on high alert, a spokesman for the Department of Homeland
Security warned that, as long as the rampaging vaccine pioneer was at
large, law enforcement would be stretched thin.
“Unfortunately, we do not possess the resources to protect every idiot in this country,” the spokesman said.
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