WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In
testimony before the Senate Judiciary Committee today, National Rifle
Association C.E.O. Wayne LaPierre warned that the N.R.A. would
vigorously oppose any legislation that “limits the sale, purchase, or
ownership of politicians.”
“Politicians pose no danger to the public if used correctly,” said Mr.
LaPierre, who claims to have over two hundred politicians in his
personal collection. “Everyone hears about the bad guys in Congress.
Well, the only thing that stops a bad guy with a vote is a good guy with
a vote. I’m proud to be the owner of many of those guys.”
Mr. LaPierre’s comments drew a sharp rebuke from Carol Foyler, a
politician-control advocate who has spent the past twelve years lobbying
for stricter limits on the sale of politicians.
“Right now, a man like Wayne LaPierre can walk right into Congress and
buy any politician he wants,” she said. “There’s no background check, no
waiting period. And so hundreds of politicians are falling into the
hands of people who are unstable and, quite frankly, dangerous.”
In addition to limiting the sale of politicians, Ms. Foyler said, it is
time for society to take a look at the “sheer number” of politicians in
the U.S.: “There’s no doubt that we would be safer if there were fewer
of them.”
For his part, the N.R.A. leader ended his testimony by serving notice
that he would “resist any attempt” to take away the hundreds of elected
officials he says are legally his.
As if to illustrate that point, he clutched Sen. Chuck Grassley (R-Iowa)
close to his chest and bellowed, “From my cold, dead hands.”
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